keeran.com

Why men don’t talk to each other in public toilets ..

I needed to pay a visit, so I found a public toilet that had two
cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the
door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: “Hi ya mate, how are you
going?”

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn’t want to be rude,
so I replied “Not too bad thanks.”

After a short pause, I heard the voice again “So, what are you up to?”

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, “Just having a quick poo..

How about yourself?”

The next thing I heard him say was …..

“Sorry mate, I’ll have to call you back. I’ve got some d*ckhead in the
loo next to me answering everything I say.”

Strangely accurate, don’t ya think? :)

Kee

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”

“None.”, replied Johnny “cause the rest would fly away.”

“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher. “But I like the way you are thinking.”

Little Johnny said, “I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?”

“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone?”

“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking.”

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died… Dido must be shitting herself. Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child … well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I Was two, ‘cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
David O’Doherty at the Gilded Balloon

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, “Say something funny then.” I told them I had just graduated from flying school. Ahmed Ahmed at C34

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, “Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said, “All right, but we’re not going to get much done.” Jimmy Carr at the ICC

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it’s wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they’re enjoying it as well. Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. Jimmy Carr at the ICC

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She’ll go: “What’s my favourite flower?”

And you murmur to yourself: “Sh*t, I wasn’t listening … Self-raising?” Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy Carr

My friend said to me: “You must be more American,” so I went to have botox. The surgeon said to me: “That’s $8,000.” I couldn’t even look shocked. Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was “Shout For Help”. Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork … Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: “I’d like a job please”. The hardware store owner says: “We don’t hire dogs, why don’t you go join The circus?” The dog replies: “Well, what would the circus want with a plumber”. Steven Alan Green at C34

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet. Ahmed Ahmed at C34

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: “Bus tours, ten quid.” So I thought I’d give it a try… What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus! Seymour Mace at Caf√© Royal

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud “I’ve already got one!” Norman Lovett at The Stand

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. Chris Addison at the Pleasance

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, “I’m not religious, but deep down, I’m a very spiritual person.” What this phrase really means is: “I’m afraid of dying, but I can’t be arsed going to church.” Colin Ramone at The Stand

50 Cent, or as he’s called over here, approximately 29p.
Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: “This door is alarmed.” I said to myself: “How do you think I feel?” Arnold Brown at The Stand